Flying Monkeys in Narcissistic Relationships
What are flying monkeys in narcissistic abuse — how narcissists use third parties to maintain control, and how to protect yourself from this tactic.
Flying monkeys are the third parties — friends, family, colleagues — who carry out a narcissist's agenda, often without realizing they are doing so. They are recruited, consciously or unconsciously, to monitor, pressure, or deliver messages to the person the narcissist is targeting.
How Flying Monkeys Are Recruited
Narcissists are often skilled at presenting themselves as the wounded party. By crafting a narrative of victimhood — painting you as unstable, cruel, or unfair — they mobilize people around them who genuinely believe they are helping. The flying monkeys are not necessarily malicious; they are misinformed.
Common flying monkey behaviors: checking in on you on behalf of the narcissist, delivering messages or pleas, reporting your activities back, pressuring you to reconcile, or challenging your perception of the situation.
How to Protect Yourself
Apply the same principles of limited disclosure that you use with the narcissist directly: share nothing personal with anyone who has significant contact with them. Do not attempt to counter the narcissist's narrative through the flying monkeys — this rarely works and gives the narcissist information about your emotional state.
Reduce or eliminate contact with flying monkeys during recovery, particularly if they are actively attempting to facilitate contact with the narcissist.
Flying monkeys are a symptom of the narcissist's need to maintain reach and control after you have created distance. Recognizing who they are, and applying the same protective principles you use with the narcissist, is the clearest way forward.
Frequently Asked Questions
What if a flying monkey is a close family member?
This is among the most painful aspects of narcissistic abuse — when family members become unwitting agents of the narcissist. Apply grey rock to them during your recovery period, limiting what you share while maintaining basic relationship contact where necessary.
Reading is the first step.
Healing happens in the work.
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